The below story forms part of a sketch I wrote in 2007 when for some reason I thought that comedy was going to be my calling.
[Enter a slightly greasy looking man in a dishevelled suit. He enters with a briefcase, which he puts down on a table. There is a flipchart onstage, with a picture of a pyramid, signs indicating big money, and the heading ACON. He directly addresses the audience]
Good evening ladies and gents, and might I be the first to congratulate you in chosing to take the first step on the path to riches. We here at Acon are offering you a genuine chance to increase your household income by up to 500%, by partaking in our already highly successful pyramid scheme. I myself have been an Acon representative now for 2 years and I’m currently earning two thousand pounds a week from good, honest salesmanship.
You may be asking yourselves, “can someone like me really earn that much money? I came from a poor background, I didn’t finish school, I live in a hovel and I had kids at 16”. Well, I’m here to tell you YES. Here at Acon we’re not worried about your academic credentials, we don’t care about your credit rating, hell, we’re not even bothered if you have a permanent address. All we want is your dedication and hard work. Are you a driven person? Are you good with other people? Do you think you could sell door-to-door? If you answered YES to any of these questions, we WANT you! Are you ready to earn big cash?
You may well be wondering right now, what does this highly reputable company want from me and my time in order for me to earn so much money? Well, my friends, let me introduce to you the wonder that is Acon’s success.
[shuffles over to a briefcase, which he opens. The briefcase is full of assorted powders and liquids, along with some needles and tournequets.]
This, ladies and gents, is the heart of Acon’s success: opiates, marijuana, cocaine, LSD, meth-amphetamines, and purest heroin. For the small investment of two hundred pounds, we give you our starter set of assorted medicines, with a street retail value of a thousand pounds.